What I Miss About Being Fat

I've never been obese, but about four years ago I was headed down that path. Drinking a lot of alcohol, having the lady at Wendy's know me by name, and blaming my hectic life for lack of exercise was leading me toward an early grave. I was the fun party girl who was friendly with everyone, yet was friends with no one. I wasn't depressed, but I knew I was just wasting my life away. 

Cut to today. I have lost 50+ pounds, eat healthy, wear the smallest size of clothing I've worn since high school, and make exercise a top priority. It's actually my favorite stress reliever now. So why do I still "feel" like a fat kid? Losing the weight and making the lifestyle change were the easiest parts. Learning to to look at myself as I am, and not as I was, has been the challenge. 

So why is it when I'm shopping I start to grab a size 12 instead of a 6? And why am I more critical of my body now than I was when the scale almost topped 200 pounds? Was it because I was delirious and drunk when I was fat? No. This is actually a pretty common occurrence that specialists have dubbed "phantom fat". Psychologists and other specialists dealing with body image suspect that this happens because the brain hasn't caught up with the body. 

The fear is always in the back of my mind. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop and feel more preoccupied with my appearance now than ever. It's a work in progress, but retraining my brain to see and accept the new me has been more powerful and rewarding than losing the actual weight. I use my fear of being fat again as a positive motivator to continue living a clean lifestyle. I'm slowly learning to love and appreciate my body, and at age 25 am finally beginning to feel like the Taylor Escobar I always envisioned myself being. 

When I was fat I thought of myself as carefree when in reality I was in denial. Sure, it'd be easier to go back to living in that state of denial, but easier is not always better. I'm happier now more than ever, and if you ask me, my smile makes me look better than my slimmer waistline.